Be Careful, It's my heart

She looked off into the distance as she spoke, holding a smoldering cigarette between her fingers. 

“You’ve followed me again.” She said emotionlessly without moving her eyes.

“I want answers.”

She nearly laughed for the first time in months “I don’t think you’re in a position to ask for those”

“Well I’m pissed” his voice sounded sharp and icy.

She pulled her coat closer around herself “I don’t quite understand why, of the two of us I’d say I’ve more of a right to be pissed. What have you got to be angry with me for?”

“You’ve got to be bloody kidding me. What haven’t I?”

A calm inhale from her cigarette and a raise of the eyebrows. She exhaled through her cracked ashen lips before she replied.

“Well, I suppose I’d be mad if I were to be in your position. You have lost at the very least 50% of your girlfriends, if not more. That’s all thanks to me I suppose.” 

A faint smile danced across her pale green eyes, flashing emerald as it passed through. 

“Well thank you very much for ruining my life” he snapped in that biting tone again. Were it not for her complete lack of sympathy for the bastard she might have felt those icy words stabbing into her conscience.

“Bloody welcome, thanks for fucking with mine.”

“You know you haven’t looked at me once since ive been here?”

She smiled then; a crooked, bitter smile. “I know I haven’t”

“What, are you so ashamed of me you can’t even look me in the eye?”

She let out a sour laugh through a nicotine cloud; “I’ve seen enough of you Derrick. If I went blind tomorrow I would still have seen enough of your face to haunt me the rest of my life”

His voice grew sharper still “Damn it, why did I come here?”

The girl was almost having fun now- emerald joy flashed through her eyes again.

“I sincerely hope that’s rhetorical; after all you followed me here.”

“Would you just fucking look at me? Just fucking look at how sorry I’ve become!”

Her cigarette dropped from her hands and  was deliberately suffocated by the toe of her torn sneakers. She noticed the sun was beginning to set and felt the chill of night leaking through the rips he’d left on her coat some days ago.

“Should’ve been sorry from the start Derrick, then maybe you wouldn’t have done it.” She moved mchanically along the path to her cabin. The cabin that was secret before Derrick, before it all happened.

“Let me in, please, just for a second. Let me talk to you.”

She took one last look at the pine trees, quickly followed by her first look at him of the night.

“You’ve said it all six times over. You even tried beating it into me. Goodbye Derrick, please stop showing up around here.”

He eyed the long cut he’d left that angled down from her eye to her lip, he got a good look before the door closed and the locks clanked into place and he was left staring at the heavy wooden door.

Just be yourself. You were born you for a reason, and it might take you your whole life to figure it out.  But don’t waste your time waiting for it to smack you in the face. Make your own reason. Maybe it isn’t the main reason or even the right one, but give yourself something to live for.  Build yourself a fortress in your mind, and be ruler of it.

Stand for something.  Make it a part of you, but never your all. The universe is ever changing, each moment more intense, more relevant than the last. Since the last time you blinked things have happened across the globe and across the universe that you have yet to fathom, and maybe never will. There is however one constant in this place of shifting earth and spinning planets- among all of this you are you. You were born and shall die you. Stand for your uniqueness, stand for yourself. Give a belief or a cause your energy, but  you can never sell out yourself.  Because you can’t escape you.

For Pete’s sake be unique. In any way you can; it stretches further than appearance.  Never try to fit yourself into a mold of someone else. It will never be right. The only mold you can ever lie down in and be truly comfortable is the mold of yourself. Don’t waste your time idolizing an idea or a person that you know you aren’t. You weren’t born as the person across from you or beside you, you weren’t cast in a mold the same as anyone else’s. There are no two people who can be truly identical in personality because individuality is in a way a norm.  

Do t be uncomfortable in your own skin. It’s the only skin youve got. It might be too light, too dark, too old, or too young but it’s what you wear every day of yor life. Don’t spend your time trying to change it because you think it’s what the people around you will find attractive. You have to find beauty in yourself for it to shine through. Just start with one thing; legs, eyes, nose, cheeks, butt, neck, wrists, lips, teeth, and let the warmth of what you like about yourself spread to the rest of your body. Eventually it will reach your mind, and the most beautiful gift you can give yourself is confidence.

I have to get through this.

Sometimes the only thing you can do is put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

I;m just trying not to cry.

Within my own thoughts
I live
My skull is a prison
A cell,
Empty but for dark
Dark thoughts
That bounce wildly
Soaring from wall to wall
Echoing
Deafening me
Ruining me.
Breaking me
The space between my ears aches
Throbbing with the weight
The weight of my pain

Flecks like white ash,
White,cold, ash.
Coming from the grey
Floating, graceful.
Down to my skin.
I stand alone
In ashes.

mentalflossr:

Image credit: Michael Lyons

Some old collective nouns have achieved widespread currency and acceptance, like a “flight of stairs” and a “school of fish.” Others, like a “murder of crows,” barely cling on. However, a handful of obscure phrases have made a comeback, thanks to James Lipton’s…

Coffee Maker’s in the corner.

It’s trying to boil water-

There’s none.

Someone turned on the Coffee Maker,

Didn’t mean to I guess.

Because they didn’t prepare it for life.

Didn’t anyone tell them

‘You can’t make somethin outta nothin’

‘You can’t make a whole from a half’

That Coffee Maker’s got a head now;

All full to the brim with nothing.

Just like me

If ‘you can’t make somethin outta nothin’,

Why do people keep trying to make something out of me?

The branches-fallen-

Lay on beds of brown leaves.

Are they dead?

Or are they sleeping?

Gently rotting on wild land,

Waiting much too long-

Sleeping-dreaming-

For their new day.

Dead-ghosts-

Bark blackened,

By the stench

Of death’s rot.

Sleeping or dead?

Dead or sleeping?

Among the brown leaves,

Nothing knows.

The railroad spikes

Left amongst the abandoned.

Twisted metal, festering,

In mud

Did children frolick there?

Before development-

Before the rape of the wild,

The obscenity of “progress”

Was it an open field?

Left fallow, or let wild.

That’s earth’s choice no longer,

Unless she has permission.

Were there things,

Wildly tame,

That slept livid 

In fields free, and wild?

I found home in your eyes.

I have a place to live now-

In your heart.

Your ribs; not a cage

but a shield.

I’ll sleep soundly

Curled in the warmth

Emanating from your chest.

I found a home in you,

Every day I wish to return

To that secure place

That is where ever you are. 

I suppose I should really start living by this

(Source: plf2, via imagequotes)

I have written so many poems and bits of prose that I am terrified to post.  I look back at things I wrote before and the things I wrote recently and I just don’t know how i managed to go so far downhill.  Maybe it’s just me, but i feel like i’m turning into an awful writer.

I’ve held you in my heart

I’ve told you all my woes

I’ve listened when you speak

I’ve worshipped you like a god

I’ve preached you like a sermon

Now your thoughts-

That used to lie open like a book

Are closed and put away

On the top shelf of your brain

Locked inside your skull.

I can’t reach them there

You loved me before.

But time spent together

Drew you away

No longer do you listen

To my voice as I speak

as if it were a song 

Now it sounds unpleasant.

Like nails on chalkboards

It seems.

I love you

I freeze when you speak-

Scarcely breathing.

So I might hear every sound 

That comes out of you

I put down what I’m holding,

Stop what I’m doing,

To be lucky enough to see

Your glowing countenance.

Your brown eyes delight 

When they look at me.

No longer it seems.

I feel it.

Quivering through my body.

Waves of trembling, searing anger.

It’s taken over.

Lock me away.

Isolate my pain.

Hide me from your view

Avoid me

Ignore me

But wait until I’m out.

Hear me.

Look at me.

Look into the sun

Until your eyes are white hot

Until they run out of your face

Wear them like a bib

Impossible to ignore me 

now

Impossible to avoid me

now

I’ll turn you inside out.

Go sit in your house

With your luxury

It’ll all the same to you.

But not to me.

I’ll rip the skin form your flesh

I’ll tear the nails from your fingers

I hope you live long 

In your ignorance.

And suffer.

I hope you are dragged

Behind a bus

To the iron gates of hell

Where your skin will redden and blister

And eventually 

Run off your body

In molten rivers of filth

On yor knees

You’d just beg 

Pity you?

The demons laugh

Demons don’t pity

You should know that

Because t takes one to know one

You just had a better disguise

You lied.

Your falsities and errors

Should hang over your head

Whoever you go

A filthy halo,

That reads liar.

Your dirty words

Will mean nothing

Because no one listens

When they know you’re a liar.

That’s what they think of me

Thanks to you

and your falsity.

I hope demons treat you

Specially- you are a brother after all.

Much too late-

Wasted money,

Wasted life,

Wasted away. 

Is this how we spend our years?

How we waste

Sickens me-

Use it once,

It must be thrown away.

Thrown aside in our lust

For the new.

Chasing the newest, meaningless things.

We are lost.

We’ve lost track.

We’ve lost our place.

Want, need.

The lines blur

What is necessity?

Anything seen.

Craving the gold

The silver

The diamonds

The metal.

Kiss your possessions goodnight

Over your partner for life.

Hours wasted.

Wasted the privilege.

What is freedom 

If you don’t set yourself free?